A lot of the time I feel like I'm scrambling at the last minute which causes me undue stress. I've been trying to be more vigilant about doing things in the moment. For example, my mornings tend to be a gong show (don't ask, I don't really know why) and lately I'm halfway out the door before I remember, "Doh! I have to take my medication!" Since Tamoxifen is the primary defense against my cancer, you would think it would be seared into my morning routine. But nope. This morning I took my last pill in the blister pack. Normally I would wait until the morning, then frantically claw through the "odds and sods" bowl where we keep meds and grab another package, all while cursing myself for being behind before the day even started. But tonight while I was heating up dinner I thought, "Hey, why not get a new pack ready to go now?" I still have room for much improvement but I have to say, it feels nice to get things done ahead of time. Case in point, Mother's Day is around the corner and for once mom's gift is sitting and waiting. No last minute shopping! No "crap we need to stop at Shopper's on the way over because I forgot a card". Nope! Not this time pal. I. Am. Ready. Not only that, but I think I've done pretty good this year. I found a very pretty pearl necklace (shown in picture) that I think Mom will really like. It's very nice in person - delicate and not too flashy. I can't wait to give it to her. (I guess that is the down side to being ready ahead of time - some extra anticipation!) |
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Yesterday was a crazy day at work. I didn't get home until 6pm, and even then was looking at a few more hours before I could call it a day. With my mind utterly distracted, it wasn't until I was lying in bed that I realized something: it was my one year cancer-versary!
Yup, hard to believe but just 365 days ago I was having one hell of a rough day. Getting needles stuck in my nipples. Having my first experience with anesthetic. Getting body parts removed. Being hooked up to an IV. What I remember most from that day is going through it all with a quiet sense of despair. Because no matter what - it was going to happen and I couldn't do anything to stop it. At no time in my life have I ever felt so sad, helpless and alone. No matter how many people are there to hold your hand - in that moment, it was just me and my cancer. One year later and I feel like I'm still healing. It's hard getting used to these new foobs. I'm still dealing with some fatigue. And it all still feels very fresh. I know I'm more than my experience with cancer but it surprises me how much it's on my mind and how often I think of it. It reminds me of a line from the book Orange is the New Black, where the author comments that her time in prison has never left her. Some life experiences are so profound, they leave an indelible mark. Perhaps you don't ever move on. You just keep moving through. |
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